How does codependency harm?

What types of behaviors are considered codependent?

Co-dependent Thinking

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity.
4. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems.
5. My mental attention focuses on relieving your pain.
6. My mental attention is focused on you.
7. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
8. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
9. My self esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
10. My self esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
11. My own interests are put to one side.
12. My time is spent sharing your interests.
13. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires.
14. I feel you are a reflection of me.
15. Your behavior is dictated by my desires.
16. I am not aware of what I want – I ask what you want.
17. I am not aware of what you want - I assume what you want.
18. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
19. My fear of rejection determines what I say and do.
20. My fear of your anger determines what I say and do.
21. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in a relationship.
22. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
23. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
24. I value your way of doing things more than I value my own.
25. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Non-Platonic codependency and the alcoholic or drug addict

Codependents have an investment in maintaining an alcoholic’s and addict’s disease because it maintains the needed wedge in the relationship that disallows the codependent to face their own fear of mature emotional intimacy.

According to the Disturbed Personality Theory if an alcoholic or addict is in a non-platonic relationship and the alcoholic/addict is able to maintain abstinence from drugs and alcohol, the codependent will fall apart psychologically. This is due to the codependent’s diminished capacity to experience mature emotional intimacy. This secret cannot be maintained without the chaos created by an active alcoholic. They can no longer deflect attention onto the other person.

Codependents attempt to control and fix their environment and the people in it. Controlling behavior creates an intolerable environment for the people closest to the codependent, especially if one of those people is an alcoholic or addict. Controlling creates a feeling of helplessness in the people being controlled. For alcoholics and addicts “helplessness” is the single most prevalent emotion preceding and motivating substance abuse. The feeling of helplessness will give an addict and alcoholic the excuse they need to justify some more drinking and drugging.

Alcoholics and drug addicts are less likely to maintain their addiction if a codependent is not close by. Ironically, codependents enable (over-zealous helping) alcoholics and addicts. They often give money to the alcoholic or addict, full well knowing they may buy alcohol or drugs with the money. Codependents will rationalize and justify their behavior as necessary assistance, but instead of helping, it winds up harming the person. The codependent's caretaking will deprive the alcoholic or drug addict from the learning experience they need to motivate change. The codependent is shocked to learn their methods only bring failure.

On the other hand, alcoholics and addicts create an inconsistent and chaotic environment which is actually what codependents desire. They can focus their attention on another and maintain continuous repression of self. As long as a codependent has a practicing alcoholic or addict close by they do not have to face their own issues. Codependents thrive in chaos because there is always something or someone else to fix or be fixed other than themselves.

The life of the alcoholic and drug addict is based on their dependency to alcohol and drugs while the codependent’s life is based on their dependency to a chaotic relationship and an alcoholic or addict guarantees that chaos. It is the paradigm for the dysfunctional relationship.

The link between Codependency and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

There is a significant positive correlation between Co-dependency and Borderline Personality Disorder. Both Codependents and BPD’s suffer with identity problems, intolerance to being alone and when they are alone they suffer from acute anxiety. Both codependents and BPD’s will willfully breach normal ego boundaries of others.

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